I’ve had to keep on going.
Today I did a body combat session on youtube. I started crying halfway through it. I kept going and cried a couple of more times.
What the fuck.
I’m divorcing my husband and I’m doing the best that I can. I am in a relationship that I couldn’t be happier in. I wasn’t looking to fall in love with someone after only 3 months of moving away from my ex, but I think I probably fell in love within the first month of knowing him.
I ran a half marathon a few weeks ago. A fucking half marathon. Can’t I see these achievements and be proud of myself? I’m not completely falling apart, but sometimes I do and there is no one to witness the event.
I have been weary to monitor my emotions in relation to all things considered, but all things considered and he’s so wonderful in so many ways that I am constantly surprised by how well we fit together.
And then my ex has been trying to contact me since Sunday. It is Tuesday today. He then tried again on Monday but I didn’t get to the phone on time. Then he sent me a message wanting to talk. Ok, call me today so he did and I picked up.
I’m owing him some sort of letter, the amended agreement he sent me, and the contact of my family that he wants to say, ‘goodbye’ to. I said ok, I’ll do it all today. It’s quarter to ten and I still haven’t started. I did a body combat workout and then started crying.
The more I am with my new partner the more my past relationship pains me. I don’t want to hurt him like I did my ex. Oh I really really don’t. For some twisted reason in my head I thought that cheating was the only way I could go on with my ex. I couldn’t enjoy sex with him anymore. I had tried so much to be attracted to him but I couldn’t. I tried for so long, at least a year of joyless sex. I thought maybe that’s what it was going to be. Cheating finally ignited some passion, some excitement. It could've been anyone. But even though that fire was the thing I needed, I should of ended it before it got to the point of devastating pain. Mistrust and lies. That sucked the most.
There is this pain coupled with this happiness and I guess this happiness comes at a cost. At least it shouldn’t come so easily after such a shitty ordeal.
The more I think of my ex the more I don’t want this to be the ending for my new beau and I. I know that it will be different. If we continue to be honest and open than there could only be good things for the two of us.