On London

I’m in the city of lore 
where the ‘Great Beast’ once roamed.
There stood a blazing time 
where no water could be found but only overflowing foundations fountains of men’s blood.
Now a city of wankers,
too blended to be any good,
too busy to progress.
It’s cool and everyone looks for the truth in your eyes.
Shape-shifting spies in the land of conspiracy and deceit. 
They can stand everything but themselves 
for inside is a bomb waiting to explode into love, hate, and endless confusion.

Introduction

If approached with a closed-mind, all is worthless.

Don't get caught up in illustrated illusions.

See for what is, not for what self wants to be.

And finally prepare to step inside, so...

Clear the mind of itself.

Facing Myself

An honest dialogue with the self is a beautiful thing. When there is pain it will seek to heal. One must embrace the pain or else it will remain terrifying.

“Dialogue with others is often empty and mind numbing, it’s sometimes intellectually stimulating (usually when I’m drunk) and rarely emotionally charged. I do admit that it’s hard for me to express my true emotions as I will either seem uneasy and nervous or falsely detached and cold. This is an indication that I have yet to face myself entirely.”

Choice

You are staring at a computer screen reading this.

What do you expect to see? Something perhaps. Excitement? Fun? Adventure? Something really gross? Something really pretty? Something pretty ugly?

The first thing you must do is, make a choice.

On Jermyn

In a little place past Piccadilly lies a Red Lion with golden jewelled walls created with elegant reflections, outpouring with streams of Amber.
There still lies the skeleton of once was.
Only gloss puts on a new skin to revitalise the landscape.

Oxford Circus detour:
A degenerate new beginning with no sense of soil breeds high fashion and discontented protestors.

What do I really want?

If I was on an island with every commodity at my disposal, what would my role in the community be? Point, work, build? To what end? No. Live, enjoy, create. Where do I see myself in this community of fellows? On a hill overlooking it all.

How does one make it in the world as a modern day shaman? Where do I go? Refuge. Retreat -> Emerge …to build the light. Each one holds the light. Giving… passing the torch… I need a flame to pass.

The San Fernando Valley : Armpit of California, Porn capital of the U.S.

Eighty Hispanics surround twenty white men.
The horns of the mariachis overwhelm, their eyes penetrate.
Two miles ahead lie high priced upper-middle class homes, a starbucks, two blocks down another starbucks.
I feel claustrophobic in my mother’s Sun Valley home.
I am in the heart of an industrial heaven. Grey surrounds my peripheral and the smokey wastes of progress saturate the air.
I want to leave the house, but its like moving in molasses.

Personal Crap questions

What are my fears? What are my insecurities? Why do I feel these things? With emotional detachment they all seem kind of silly.

Do I give up?

Hell no.

Conclusion

"I" is not truth, not the I as a reference, but the general I of the self. So there is no I.

It just is. Just like the well-known phrase, "let it be."

Credit for this manifestation of words belongs to all.

 

Pretension leaks just from the fact that this is being read. But "I" have to do something, and this is what I have to give because I am grateful for what all has given to me. 

On Attraction

What does it mean when I like someone and am attracted to them?
I would like to explore further, to open myself to a uniqueness never experienced before, to learn from their being.

That's about it.

Goal

Goal for my 30s - awakening my inner shaman buddha jesus mohammed krishna.

Reflections

Coming to terms with who I am
What I am ever-changing to be
What is that?
Coming to terms with my own mortality and at the same time with the
eternity of my being, my core

I can no longer hide behind insecurities of my past
but it doesn't mean that they are dead for good
Especially at this moment where I feel slightly vulnerable and uncertain
I am riding in and sailing above the dark tunnel at the same time

Vice

Is there no relief in life?
Vice emerges in search of relief.
Necessities taken beyond necessity.

Attachment to a vice takes the focus away from oneself naked.

Beer and stars

Beer and the stars...mmm couldn't ask for more, yet there is.

Our Planet

To be aware of a very possible mass extinction of the human species brought on by the human species makes me sick to my stomach. Going down, down, killing ourselves because we are controlled by money and false power. False power destroys us. I stare into the world as though it were my last viewing. My only reason to live is for the beauty in all. Beauty in destruction? Perhaps so, but it should not be so unconscious as it is. Unconscious destruction for the sake of ego preservation is not beauty.

Back

OK BITCHES. I'm back and with force. The ultimate doom of the gnomes...salt. Sucked them dry, they now look like oily potato chips, very unappealing and bad for one's health. But the now the salty chip gnomes huddle in a bag waiting to be eaten by some unsuspecting victim, or so I would think. Updates will come shortly given my lack of time. But.. here are ideas for what is in store

A Bathroom Dialogue

(parenthesis indicate comments added afterwards not included in the original dialogue)

D: 
The Origin of "God" 
"In the beginning there was nothing, then the nothing became aware that it was nothing and became SOMETHING." Hmm..You are nothing, but with awareness arises something. Sounds kind of neat, aye? Whoa nelly.

Learning

It takes great effort before it becomes effortless.

The trick is to do everything with great intent and focus.

THE BRAIN IS THE KEY TO ITSELF

One of the hardest actions of a strong person can be to let go. Weak people hold on to what is no longer necessary.

Of Reading and Writing

Of all writings I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit.

It is not an easy thing to understand unfamiliar blood: I hate the reading idler.

He who knows the reader, does nothing further for the reader. Another century of readers - and spirit itself will stink.

That everyone can learn to read will ruin in the long run not only writing, but thinking too.

Once spirit was God, then it became man, and now it is even becoming mob.

Friedrich Nietzsche
Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Belief

I don't believe in anything. I don't believe that God exists, I don't even believe that God doesn't exist. What's the point of talking of belief (or lack of belief) in something that you can't prove exists? I'll just keep myself out of that resolveless conversation.

I just want to live a life based on compassion, empathy, contemplation, and openess. What else do you need to lead a fullfilling life? 

We weren't aware that we didn't exist before we lived, so what does it matter that we won't be aware of our own self when we die? 

After the Dotted Line

The mirror has not yet been shattered. Foggy now that my own breath has been cast upon it. Tainted as it has always been. I live with it and gladly abide. Next level.

Feasting in the bad times, makes good writing?

…Ah, to be decedent and uncontrolled. The forces overcome my Will to hold my cravings back. What is this craving but a craving for regress and stagnation? This is the worst kind of personal sin. A personal sin so permeated world-wide with sinners laughing the the face of those that cannot even feed their family. Progress is not defined in terms of technicalities, true progress must be gauged by the greater whole, how it benefits all, not solely by the stick of business and economy. So my quest for healing myself turns into healing the world.

Fuck

Online diaries are hard to keep. Especially when one takes a long hiatus from working on their website. So, what the fuck am I am up to now? Is saying FUCK too harsh? Well I llike to sometimes, I think it's humorous. Anyways, I've been working a whole lot which is kind of annoying. I want to finish my thesis already. But then what? Ok, well if I get into grad school in England I'm going there. If not, I'm off to Peru for a year. Does anyone want to take care of the cutest siamese cat for a bit?

“Progress”

Did you know that with all the money spent on “progress,” research to explore the universe, nature , our bodies, our composition, we are still infinitely ignorant? The more we come to know, the more questions and/or problems arise. The more we strive for progress, the more we have to find out about nature in order to correct the problems we create. This is mindless progress so I call it destruction. How do we fix ourselves?

On the Royal Courts of Justice

Magnificently crafted stone in the honour of justice.
On a godly plane with intricate detail and grandeur delight.
Now I must obey the law and depart due to the facts presented to me.
I obey because I should of known what I was getting into.
Bye, bye, birdie.

The backdoor men live underground
lives not tied to any wives and fucking the hives.

Worst Fear

And to think that what I fear the most would be to find out that I'm not as crazy as I'd hoped...