Our Planet

To be aware of a very possible mass extinction of the human species brought on by the human species makes me sick to my stomach. Going down, down, killing ourselves because we are controlled by money and false power. False power destroys us. I stare into the world as though it were my last viewing. My only reason to live is for the beauty in all. Beauty in destruction? Perhaps so, but it should not be so unconscious as it is. Unconscious destruction for the sake of ego preservation is not beauty.

Semi-frozen food

I stood there waiting, frozen in the semi-frozen food isle. Semi-skimmed or whole? I really didn't care. What am I waiting for? Probably something. I hope something, or else I could be in just the wrong place. Excuse me, pardon me, I'm just in the way. "It's not my fault that they ran out of soy milk, I'm a paying cusomter damnit!" It's going to be ok. It was worth the wait. I like doing weird things like standing in the middle of grocery stores for extended periods of time. 

From anonymous

Never give up on yourself, even when you feel like shit. You’re allowed to feel like shit.

If you have nothing to live for and can’t stand the world around you - you have nothing to lose. Take a risk and piss people off; make the world a better place.

On London

I’m in the city of lore 
where the ‘Great Beast’ once roamed.
There stood a blazing time 
where no water could be found but only overflowing foundations fountains of men’s blood.
Now a city of wankers,
too blended to be any good,
too busy to progress.
It’s cool and everyone looks for the truth in your eyes.
Shape-shifting spies in the land of conspiracy and deceit. 
They can stand everything but themselves 
for inside is a bomb waiting to explode into love, hate, and endless confusion.

Personal Crap questions

What are my fears? What are my insecurities? Why do I feel these things? With emotional detachment they all seem kind of silly.

Do I give up?

Hell no.

Updates

>>>>HI<<<<
The tide pulled me under and I was forced to live with some underwater moss gnomes. Now they have finally let me go. I came out realizing that my webpage needs to be updated badly. But for now all I have done is a picture page with some pictures from England. enjoy.

Goal

Goal for my 30s - awakening my inner shaman buddha jesus mohammed krishna.

One Night Stand

He had the night of his life. She fucked him so hard that it was extremely hard for him not to cum right away, but she didn’t mind. That’s exactly what she wanted. She took pleasure in being able to invoke such godly sensations in someone she had just met, it raised her self-esteem and of course, she had self-image issues. She used every one-night stand as a therapy session that was usually short-lived. She never really gave herself the chance to recover from the break-up of her seven-year relationship, the only relationship she’d ever had. 

Choice

You are staring at a computer screen reading this.

What do you expect to see? Something perhaps. Excitement? Fun? Adventure? Something really gross? Something really pretty? Something pretty ugly?

The first thing you must do is, make a choice.

Humanity wants, needs

What do people want? Happiness? Health? Family? Security? What about the spaces in between? Is it mostly to get the means to live and then wasting away in front of the T.V. to forget about it all?

BS Thesis Acknowledgement

"First and foremost my humble thanks goes out to the fabric of

spacetime for allowing me to exist and study this universe we all

are intrinsically a part of."

I tend to thank stuff like this because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and somewhat ‘enlightened’. But I really should be thanking the universe for being such an asshole. Thanks universe.

The San Fernando Valley : Armpit of California, Porn capital of the U.S.

Eighty Hispanics surround twenty white men.
The horns of the mariachis overwhelm, their eyes penetrate.
Two miles ahead lie high priced upper-middle class homes, a starbucks, two blocks down another starbucks.
I feel claustrophobic in my mother’s Sun Valley home.
I am in the heart of an industrial heaven. Grey surrounds my peripheral and the smokey wastes of progress saturate the air.
I want to leave the house, but its like moving in molasses.

Cynicism

Everyone has their own agenda even when it comes from the heart. STOP LISTENING TO EVERYONE AND LOOK INSIDE. To the source, the light, the force that moves the Universe.

[although revisiting this 10 years so or after I have written this I would add that you should also constantly question yourself as well or else you'll end up delusional and think you're Jesus or that you're in contact with multidimensional aliens]

Reflections

Coming to terms with who I am
What I am ever-changing to be
What is that?
Coming to terms with my own mortality and at the same time with the
eternity of my being, my core

I can no longer hide behind insecurities of my past
but it doesn't mean that they are dead for good
Especially at this moment where I feel slightly vulnerable and uncertain
I am riding in and sailing above the dark tunnel at the same time

Saddest man in the world

I just saw the saddest guy in the world… overweight, holding his small penis in bed asleep. Keyboard next to his balls. He looked like he had man boobs but I think it was just stomach fat. Not even funny, just put my face into a flabberghasted frown with a bit of anguish.

Fuck

Online diaries are hard to keep. Especially when one takes a long hiatus from working on their website. So, what the fuck am I am up to now? Is saying FUCK too harsh? Well I llike to sometimes, I think it's humorous. Anyways, I've been working a whole lot which is kind of annoying. I want to finish my thesis already. But then what? Ok, well if I get into grad school in England I'm going there. If not, I'm off to Peru for a year. Does anyone want to take care of the cutest siamese cat for a bit?

Thesis Complete

Ok, so I've been officially done with my thesis for almost a week now. I really have nothing to say about it. Good riddens?

Thesis

After days of eating lunches in solitude at the newly discovered Fresh Choice in Capitola and (partly) working on my thesis, I took an opportunity to hang out with a couple of my dearest friends (while still working on my thesis). In this time I was able to see more fully my condition. “Plots, plots, plots, plots, what the fuck does it all mean? Nothing, really. What? The fuck I care! Shut up please (with a smile). Damn, I'm not violent, but I have the urge to smash your head against a window and watch the glass shatter. I don't want to hurt you, but I can still imagine it can't I?

On the Royal Courts of Justice

Magnificently crafted stone in the honour of justice.
On a godly plane with intricate detail and grandeur delight.
Now I must obey the law and depart due to the facts presented to me.
I obey because I should of known what I was getting into.
Bye, bye, birdie.

The backdoor men live underground
lives not tied to any wives and fucking the hives.

Worst Fear

And to think that what I fear the most would be to find out that I'm not as crazy as I'd hoped...

Of Reading and Writing

Of all writings I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit.

It is not an easy thing to understand unfamiliar blood: I hate the reading idler.

He who knows the reader, does nothing further for the reader. Another century of readers - and spirit itself will stink.

That everyone can learn to read will ruin in the long run not only writing, but thinking too.

Once spirit was God, then it became man, and now it is even becoming mob.

A Bathroom Dialogue

(parenthesis indicate comments added afterwards not included in the original dialogue)

D: 
The Origin of "God" 
"In the beginning there was nothing, then the nothing became aware that it was nothing and became SOMETHING." Hmm..You are nothing, but with awareness arises something. Sounds kind of neat, aye? Whoa nelly.

On Attraction

What does it mean when I like someone and am attracted to them?
I would like to explore further, to open myself to a uniqueness never experienced before, to learn from their being.

That's about it.

After the Dotted Line

The mirror has not yet been shattered. Foggy now that my own breath has been cast upon it. Tainted as it has always been. I live with it and gladly abide. Next level.

Belief

I don't believe in anything. I don't believe that God exists, I don't even believe that God doesn't exist. What's the point of talking of belief (or lack of belief) in something that you can't prove exists? I'll just keep myself out of that resolveless conversation.

I just want to live a life based on compassion, empathy, contemplation, and openess. What else do you need to lead a fullfilling life? 

We weren't aware that we didn't exist before we lived, so what does it matter that we won't be aware of our own self when we die? 

Vice

Is there no relief in life?
Vice emerges in search of relief.
Necessities taken beyond necessity.

Attachment to a vice takes the focus away from oneself naked.

Light

Light = Energy = Matter = Atoms = Molecules = Cells = Organs = Humans

 therefore, Light = Humans = Energy
... or any way you like it,
rough or gentle?
a little of both?