On London

I’m in the city of lore 
where the ‘Great Beast’ once roamed.
There stood a blazing time 
where no water could be found but only overflowing foundations fountains of men’s blood.
Now a city of wankers,
too blended to be any good,
too busy to progress.
It’s cool and everyone looks for the truth in your eyes.
Shape-shifting spies in the land of conspiracy and deceit. 
They can stand everything but themselves 
for inside is a bomb waiting to explode into love, hate, and endless confusion.

The Other

A partner who strives till Death, who lives with a passion and calmness of pushing themselves to the limit. Someone who recognizes that the Map is not the Territory. Someone who won’t let Death take them easily.

Atheist

I'm an atheist

I don't believe in god

I have compassion for others

I am empathic

I feel love

I feel passion

I feel wonder

I feel emotion

I question because I am curious to learn about the universe I live in

I question because I am curious to learn about myself

I am fallible

I make mistakes

I want to grow from my experiences

I don't shy away from uncomfortable truths

I feel pain and despair

I've felt broken

I've opened myself to trust in myself

Saddest man in the world

I just saw the saddest guy in the world… overweight, holding his small penis in bed asleep. Keyboard next to his balls. He looked like he had man boobs but I think it was just stomach fat. Not even funny, just put my face into a flabberghasted frown with a bit of anguish.

A Special Message for the Over Thirty Crowd

"Only a handful of people define their talents prior to acquiring their driver's licenses; few still find themselves in an environment supportive of their aspirations; and even fewer enjoy liberal access to the tools and training necessary for the cultivation of their possible genius. Yet we often compare ourselves with this fortunate few when judging our own abilities.

Beer and stars

Beer and the stars...mmm couldn't ask for more, yet there is.

Fuck

Online diaries are hard to keep. Especially when one takes a long hiatus from working on their website. So, what the fuck am I am up to now? Is saying FUCK too harsh? Well I llike to sometimes, I think it's humorous. Anyways, I've been working a whole lot which is kind of annoying. I want to finish my thesis already. But then what? Ok, well if I get into grad school in England I'm going there. If not, I'm off to Peru for a year. Does anyone want to take care of the cutest siamese cat for a bit?

Goal

Goal for my 30s - awakening my inner shaman buddha jesus mohammed krishna.

Worst Fear

And to think that what I fear the most would be to find out that I'm not as crazy as I'd hoped...

101 worst things that could happen to you

101 worst things that could happen to you

1. You ate a rock, and it was big

2. You accidently burn an X in your head

3. While lighting a cig you catch fire

4. A paper cut

5. You have to sell your liver to support your family

6. You're buried alive

7. You have to eat your best friend

8. you pick your nose too hard and pull out your brain

9. you run head first into a spiked metal wall 

10. you eat bad shrooms

11. you are misidentified as target for castration by an angry wife out for revenge

Reflections

Coming to terms with who I am
What I am ever-changing to be
What is that?
Coming to terms with my own mortality and at the same time with the
eternity of my being, my core

I can no longer hide behind insecurities of my past
but it doesn't mean that they are dead for good
Especially at this moment where I feel slightly vulnerable and uncertain
I am riding in and sailing above the dark tunnel at the same time

Introduction

If approached with a closed-mind, all is worthless.

Don't get caught up in illustrated illusions.

See for what is, not for what self wants to be.

And finally prepare to step inside, so...

Clear the mind of itself.

Stinker

What the heck is happening? Oh, not much. Shit though, look at the mouse over there, what a stinker. He has it good.

What do I really want?

If I was on an island with every commodity at my disposal, what would my role in the community be? Point, work, build? To what end? No. Live, enjoy, create. Where do I see myself in this community of fellows? On a hill overlooking it all.

How does one make it in the world as a modern day shaman? Where do I go? Refuge. Retreat -> Emerge …to build the light. Each one holds the light. Giving… passing the torch… I need a flame to pass.

Thesis Complete

Ok, so I've been officially done with my thesis for almost a week now. I really have nothing to say about it. Good riddens?

Conclusion

"I" is not truth, not the I as a reference, but the general I of the self. So there is no I.

It just is. Just like the well-known phrase, "let it be."

Credit for this manifestation of words belongs to all.

 

Pretension leaks just from the fact that this is being read. But "I" have to do something, and this is what I have to give because I am grateful for what all has given to me. 

Cynicism

Everyone has their own agenda even when it comes from the heart. STOP LISTENING TO EVERYONE AND LOOK INSIDE. To the source, the light, the force that moves the Universe.

[although revisiting this 10 years so or after I have written this I would add that you should also constantly question yourself as well or else you'll end up delusional and think you're Jesus or that you're in contact with multidimensional aliens]

On Innocence Lost

Innocence never was
Innocence can always be

Manipulating desire
Unending love

Tied to the poles

Untainted peach stained by the most sorid piece

A soul is born of malicious peace hugging tree wrath
An angle born with devil’s eyes
A devil born with angel’s eyes

Look into this dark black heart and see your white, shining, ecstatic youth

On Jermyn

In a little place past Piccadilly lies a Red Lion with golden jewelled walls created with elegant reflections, outpouring with streams of Amber.
There still lies the skeleton of once was.
Only gloss puts on a new skin to revitalise the landscape.

Oxford Circus detour:
A degenerate new beginning with no sense of soil breeds high fashion and discontented protestors.

Semi-frozen food

I stood there waiting, frozen in the semi-frozen food isle. Semi-skimmed or whole? I really didn't care. What am I waiting for? Probably something. I hope something, or else I could be in just the wrong place. Excuse me, pardon me, I'm just in the way. "It's not my fault that they ran out of soy milk, I'm a paying cusomter damnit!" It's going to be ok. It was worth the wait. I like doing weird things like standing in the middle of grocery stores for extended periods of time. 

Feasting in the bad times, makes good writing?

…Ah, to be decedent and uncontrolled. The forces overcome my Will to hold my cravings back. What is this craving but a craving for regress and stagnation? This is the worst kind of personal sin. A personal sin so permeated world-wide with sinners laughing the the face of those that cannot even feed their family. Progress is not defined in terms of technicalities, true progress must be gauged by the greater whole, how it benefits all, not solely by the stick of business and economy. So my quest for healing myself turns into healing the world.

One Night Stand

He had the night of his life. She fucked him so hard that it was extremely hard for him not to cum right away, but she didn’t mind. That’s exactly what she wanted. She took pleasure in being able to invoke such godly sensations in someone she had just met, it raised her self-esteem and of course, she had self-image issues. She used every one-night stand as a therapy session that was usually short-lived. She never really gave herself the chance to recover from the break-up of her seven-year relationship, the only relationship she’d ever had. 

On the Royal Courts of Justice

Magnificently crafted stone in the honour of justice.
On a godly plane with intricate detail and grandeur delight.
Now I must obey the law and depart due to the facts presented to me.
I obey because I should of known what I was getting into.
Bye, bye, birdie.

The backdoor men live underground
lives not tied to any wives and fucking the hives.

Architecture

modern architecture is so boring

straight lines with its stale simplicity

gimme some of that old school stlye

with its lucious curves, rich colors, and intricate detail

Decision

If I had a choice, no one would get hurt in the matter.
But in trying to prevent any added stress, I have taken it all upon myself.

It's not going to be my choice how other people react.
And it's not in my control that people can't magically see my point of view and understand my feelings.
But I will try my damnest to do it with love and compassion. 
But even so, it can't stop the flood of emotions that might rip a person apart from the inside.
I only hope that everyone can find themselves on the other side, grateful for what has been gained.

Learning

It takes great effort before it becomes effortless.

The trick is to do everything with great intent and focus.

THE BRAIN IS THE KEY TO ITSELF

One of the hardest actions of a strong person can be to let go. Weak people hold on to what is no longer necessary.

Story of him

What to say about the mysterious hooded guitar man? Connected to the electricity of his insides, pulsating and moving through his fingers, feeling for that something to feel, the movement of sound and vibration.